Dear friend: a letter for when you can't find Jesus.
The best grilled cheese sandwich, my favorite part of the Easter story & a prayer for heartache.
Dear friend,
I’m soaking up some glorious April sunshine, with lemon water in my cup. It feels like such a treat to be able to sit outside for some of our meals again. The first of my tulips have arrived and I can scarcely handle their beauty, and am so thankful for their colorful entrance. I love picturing you sitting with me, on my back porch, watching the flowers sway and occasionally pausing our conversation for the loud trucks that rumble past my house.
I’m so grateful for the gifts of this spring, even as I’m also holding in tension some painful, tender places. I’m celebrating the dinner picnics beginning and the way my heart lifts with the warmth outside, even as my heart is aching.
I am aching from the discomfort of another Easter spent without a church family, a holiday my younger self couldn’t have imagined spent without attending a service, even as I’m grateful for the safety and connection I am experiencing in this season.
I am aching, even if it is just a little bit, every time I put my kids on the school bus, praying for their safety while feeling powerless to keep them safe from gun violence.
I am aching as I grieve with friends who are in the hard of depression or anxiety, financial difficulties or just feeling the weight of their limits in this season.
I am aching as the pain of a broken relationship resurfaces, and I mentally explore every option for moving forward and land in the same place again.
One of my favorite parts of the Easter story has become noticing the weight of Mary’s grief, that prevents her from recognizing Jesus. Even after hearing the news of his resurrection, it is hard to reconcile with the pain that has devastated her. She’s not ready to run and tell others. She’s heartbroken, and mistakes Jesus for the gardener, desperate to know where Jesus’ body has been moved to.
Perhaps your heart is aching too. Perhaps you can’t find Jesus and feel buried under the weight of your grief. Perhaps you’re heartbroken.
I love the simple storytelling that Sally Lloyd-Jones offers for this story in The Jesus Storybook Bible:
“I don’t know where Jesus is!” Mary said urgently. “I can’t find him.”
But it was all right. Jesus knew where she was. And he had found her.
I’m so grateful for the permission to not know where Jesus is, to be heartbroken and aching and know that he will still find me. I always experience my body relax, like one big exhale when I read these few lines. It was all right. Jesus knew where she was. And he had found her.
Sometimes a warm mug of tea pressed into our hands is the comfort we need; while other times it is simply presence or words finding us at just the right time. Sometimes the ways we’re found are in our bodies, and sometimes the ways we’re found are for our hearts and minds. I want to offer you one of each today: something for your body & something for your heart.
The first is for your body: all my very best tips for grilled cheese sandwiches. I used to think these sandwiches were only melty cheese in between slices of toasted buttered bread. And while I will not deny the joy of that simple sandwich, I have been grateful to learn how to make these sandwiches in ways that are more expansive and delightful. Many of these tips were learned from these dear folks who run a local farm and shared them on Instagram during the pandemic, and I’m so glad they gave their secrets away so generously. All other grilled cheese sandwiches have now been ruined for my almost-nine-year-old, and she’s been disappointed with every other grilled cheese sandwich she’s had since I started making these ones.
Here’s what I have adopted and highly recommend you do as well—
Cover the outside of your bread, not with butter, but with a thin layer of mayonnaise. I promise you won’t taste the mayonnaise, it spreads like a dream and cooks the bread evenly.
Consider cooking a filling to add. I love sautéing mushrooms or caramelizing onions to add to our sandwiches. Cooking these fillings helps remove moisture, and adds a truly wonderful flavor. I often make extra of the fillings if I’m using them for a recipe at a different point during the week so I’m ready at a moment’s notice to add them to grilled cheese. I’ve also taken to adding ham or turkey if we have it to our sandwiches.
Consider adding flavor with a spread. This could be a layer of sweet with a bit of fig or apricot jam or savory flavor like Dijon mustard or chutney or spicy mayo.
Consider using two cheeses and shredding them. Using more than one cheese, particularly one that is a harder cheese & one that is a softer, melty cheese adds so much flavor and is a delight. Shredding the cheese also helps even melting throughout your sandwich.
I have accidently over-cooked grilled cheese sandwiches more than I’d like to admit. I try to always use low-medium heat now, allowing the melting to match the speed of the bread becoming a golden-brown.
While not necessary for enjoyment, a small bowl of tomato soup is often a welcome companion to this sandwich. I particularly enjoy Trader Joe’s Roasted Red Pepper Tomato Soup.
While a good sandwich is not the complete remedy for heartache, I often remember how the Lord fed and nourished Elijah’s physical body in the height of his depression and exhaustion. I’m a firm believer in the healing and comfort of good food, of the physical care of our bodies when we’re hurting. I hope this sandwich is a good gift in your life, and offers permission to listen to what comfort food your body might be asking for.
And now, something for your heart: a prayer for heartache. I’ve been grateful to spend time with the story of Lazarus in John 11 recently, and it has been a companion to my own heartache. I’ve listened to this Lectio Divina by Summer Gross on a portion of the passage several times, allowing myself to linger with the grief and questions it brings up in my own heart. It has been a gift to find my own words to wrestle with the experience for what it is like when I can’t find Jesus. I wonder if this prayer might be a gift to your heart too.
Absent Savior,
Heartbroken, Mary falls
at your feet, saying,
if you had been here,
my brother would not have
died.
How often I wonder
where you were when
my own dreams shatter,
and when death breaks
my heart.
If you had been here!
my heart cries,
Explain yourself!
Don’t you care?
The silence feels
deafening as you offer
no defense.
Yet, you are here now.
You ask to see the grave.
You weep and your tears
match my own.
Your heart breaks
with mine.
Your presence
your love
your anger at these horrors
are on display for all to see.
Explanations are not the
balm I ache for or
the comfort I long to
be wrapped in.
You don’t give answers
but
you are near,
offering your heart,
broken and full of love.
You give yourself.
Amen.
Dear friend, thank you for being here with me. It means so much that you want to read this letter. As always, I'd love to hear from you! Feel free to just hit "reply" to this email. I read and savor every email that comes my way, even if I don’t always have the space to respond. Whether you want to share a bit of your own heartache or the ways you’re finding comfort, or if my words brought up anything for you, I’d be so glad to know.
Warmly,
Alison