Dear friend: what surprised me about the first day of school ✏

gentleness in transition, my favorite books of the summer & three invitations for you 🌿

Dear Friend,

I’m so glad to be with you again. I love imagining you on my front porch with me, leaning towards each other as we watch clouds, holding our mugs as I get to share my heart with you.

What surprised me about the first day of school.

These days have been full of transitions, one of which has been both of my kids heading to school. Last year at this time, we were beginning homeschooling with full days of learning and play, trying to find the right balance for my extrovert girl and introvert boy, along with my own needs. It’s been a journey to get to this place where I’m sending both of my kids to school. It is good and right for this season, even as I’m still sometimes caught off guard by what I imagined for the future in contrast to the needs of our family in real time.

I expected August to be a gentle ease into the beginning of a school year, but instead sickness visited our home for several weeks. My own feelings barely had time to catch up to anything other than the disappointment of so many plans being cancelled or changed, until the night before school started.

I had plenty of big feelings, which didn’t surprise me. Motherhood has been full of little griefs, as my children shed mispronounced words, outgrown lamb hats and find comfort without their thumbs. Watching these precious people grow day by day is such a beautiful, bittersweet privilege. Holding on while letting go in appropriate increments for each age, is a dance I never feel good at, but am committed to continue showing up in. I wasn’t surprised when the grief came, these familiar waves of gratitude and aching lapping up on the shore of my heart, as we stepped towards a new season.

But what did surprise me was the anxiety creeping into my heart. I had a moment as I was laying in bed, thinking about what the next morning would bring, when I pictured being alone in my house. I would be alone, after the bus picked up my kids, after my husband had left for work. I usually like being alone, but this felt different. This wasn’t a break for a few hours, but a new normal. I felt nervous and anxious, anticipating the loss of people filling my house. The questions that came unbidden felt scary. Who am I without them? What do I do when there’s no one home?

I’d bought school supplies, visited classrooms and met teachers. I’d had so many conversations about what school would be like and read stacks of picture books about birds and mice beginning school. I’d done my best to prepare my children for this new chapter, but hadn’t had space to fully think about what it meant for me. What did this new chapter mean for me?

It was in that moment, that I heard the familiar voice, speaking gently to my heart. I heard the invitation to notice how the picture I was painting was one without Jesus in it. I paused to invite Jesus into the next morning in my imaginings. I saw his gentle smile, as he told me, we’d figure it out together. I didn’t have to be alone in this. He was glad to be with me here. I heard the invitation for gentleness as I began this new chapter. There was nothing to prove. What might it look like to begin gently?

Dear friend, this shift from picturing a new chapter without Jesus, to picturing him with me made all the difference. I’m so grateful to Beth Myers & Summer Gross for introducing me to this idea of picturing the future without Jesus as often being the very source of my anxiety. It has helped me so much to pay attention and notice when I’m acting like an orphan, resorting to pulling up my own bootstraps, thinking that I have to do it all myself when I picture the future without Jesus.

But there’s no shame when this happens. There’s no shame for my heart reverting back to orphan state, forgetting that I’ve found a home with the Lord and am deeply known and loved.

Every time I’m welcomed back to his love with joy and gentleness.

That first day of school didn’t go exactly as planned. There was a forgotten lunch and an unexpected trip to school, only an hour before I’d be returning for kindergarten pick-up. But the invitation to gentleness and joy was the thread that grounded me in the midst of all the hiccups. It helped me to say yes to a bouquet at a farm stand on my drive. It helped me receive these beautiful words from a conversation between Summer Gross and Nicole Zasowski about joy & resilience as I chose to celebrate with my first pumpkin coffee of the season. It helped me to pull out my paints and make art, creating space for a mini-retreat. What could have made me feel lost and alone instead became invitation to rest and joy when I went gently into this space with Jesus next to me.

Dear friend, I wonder where there might be a similar invitation for you. Where might be Jesus inviting you to a gentle beginning?

My best books of the summer.

My first book club for the new year was a summer reading recap, and I thought it would be fun to share my favorites with you.

• The Lord is My Courage by K.J. Ramsey

I could have devoured this one in a day because of how these pages have met me, but instead I’ve savored it all summer. I prayed for KJ as she wrote this book, seeing glimpses of her sacrifice in the midst of dark days of chronic illness on social media, imagining her pain transformed into a gift for readers, forgetting that I might be praying for myself. I’m so humbled to tell you that this book has met my heart again and again. As I’m healing from spiritual abuse and wounds from those in power, while learning the gentleness of Jesus, this book has been the gift I couldn’t have imagined. This book is part tender memoir, part brain science, grounded in the truth of Psalm 23 and is one I’m brought to tears of gratitude to receive. I can’t recommended it enough.

• What If It's Wonderful? by Nicole Zasowski

This has been the other book I’ve savored all summer. This book feels like the welcome opposite of toxic positivity, despite any preconceived notion that might come with the confetti on the cover. This one has helped me hunt for joy and see the discipline and courage that celebration requires. I loved learning from Nicole, from her story and her knowledge as a therapist. This is a gentle, practical book, extending an invitation to celebration, challenging my ideas that joy might be a “less serious” way of experiencing the Lord. Here’s a collage I made in response to this beautiful book, with one of my favorite quotes:

Celebration is able to hold the reality of pain and joy at the same time.

• A River Enchanted by Rebecca Ross (at the time of sending this, it is $1.99 on kindle!)

This one was dreamy and lovely, grounded in myth and mystery, with great world-building. If you enjoy the enemies to lovers trope and fantasy for grown-ups, this one did it all so well. I’ll warn you that I didn’t love the ending (the only thing that left me unsatisfied) until I found out that this is a duology, and that this isn’t actually the end! A Fire Endless comes out in December, so it won’t be too long to find out what happens to these characters I fell in love with. If you’re looking for a fall read, this one is atmospheric and a little spooky, without being outright scary or gory. I loved it.

• Feathers of Hope by Sharon Garlough Brown

I think this one is best read as part of the Sensible Shoes series (just message me if you need help with knowing the order to read them.) But as that is true for me, it was a DELIGHT to return to these characters. I truly have seldom read books that held my interest, eagerly turning pages to find out what happened next, and that spoke in a grounded way about the messy experience of following the Lord. I can’t recommend these books enough, and this one wrestling with relationships with adult children, transitions and insecurities was no exception.

• Amari and the Night Brothers by B.B. Alston

I’ve heard plenty of books compared to Harry Potter, but often all that really means is that they are middle grade readers about magic. This was the first book I picked up that held a similar charm and delight for me. Amari as our heroine, a black girl from a low-income household, determined to find out what happened to her older brother was a character who felt original and who I loved from chapter 1. I will warn you that this is the first book of a trilogy, with the second book just releasing at the end of August. But this one ends in a satisfying way, similar to the first Harry Potter. You know there’s more to come (which is a welcome reassurance), but you’re left with enough loose ends tied up.

• Carrie Soto Is Back by Taylor Jenkins Reid

I received an advanced reader copy of this one, and I always know I am into a book if reading it on my Kindle isn’t a deterrent in the slightest. I finished this one in an afternoon, despite not having much interest in tennis and disliking Carrie Soto from her cameo in Malibu Rising. If you like strong female characters or would like a behind-the-scenes look at professional sports in a page-turning way, this one hits both of those things well. You don’t need to have read Malibu Rising to enjoy this one.

• A Court of Thorns & Roses series by Sarah J. Maas

While I technically read this series as a re-read, it was tremendously fun to get to chat about these books on Marco Polo with my sister as she read them for the first time. With elements of Hunger Games & Beauty and the Beast, these fantasy books are easy to get drawn into. These ones are definitely on the steamy side, so if you venture in, be aware of that.

Three invitations for you.

Some of my dear friends are doing beautiful work, and it has brought me so much joy to receive gifts from them. I wanted to share about a few of these invitations in case they might meet you in the season you’re in.

The Writer’s Refuge (free)

My friends Katie & Sue are once again offering these gentle spaces to connect and have accountability for your writing life! These are truly a chance be encouraged with some words of blessing and get real work done. I’ve been so grateful every chance I’ve had to come to these Zoom times. These are free offerings, and if you’re a writer, these are truly a gift. The next two are September 12 & 26 from noon-2pm, EST. You can sign up to join here.

The Wholehearted Enneagram Summit (free)

You probably know that I’m so grateful for the tool of the Enneagram, and all the ways it’s given me words and help in understanding myself and others. If you’re like me and have been helped by this rich tool, you can grab your free ticket to The Wholehearted Enneagram Summit happening September 12-16. Your free ticket gives you access for 24 hours to each session after it is released, and the option to purchase an all-access pass to watch past the 24 hours.

I’m particularly excited about the session Elisabeth Bennett is putting on about how your parents’ Enneagram type impacts you, but there are so many sessions that promise to bring practical and deeper understanding to using the tool of the Enneagram.

Table of the Beloved ($25/two rich times each month)

I haven’t shared a lot publicly about leaving our church two years ago and the spiritual abuse that was part of that decision. In those early days of pandemic isolation and hurting from those wounds, Table of the Beloved became a safe refuge for me, to experience the Lord and journey with others. It is such a gift to be able to enter into a spiritual space (online or otherwise!) and feel my body relax with the safety it finds there. This group is lead by Rev. Summer Gross, and it is a rich hour and a half, twice a month. One of my favorite parts of this group is the space to actually engage in a spiritual practice right then. In busy seasons, it has been so wonderful to have time carved out within this space to actually journal or slow down to a body scan, instead of it feeling like I’m being given homework to fit in later. And I’ve been so blessed by the ways I’ve gotten to connect with others in this space! If you would have told me a few years ago about a Zoom meeting that would be a gentle lifeline of community and connection, I would have struggled to believe it. I’m so grateful that this gets to be true. I’d love for you to join us if this sounds like something you’re looking for.

You can hear a little taste of this group from my cameo in this podcast episode. The whole episode is a gift, but you can skip to 15:50 for hearing a taste of Table of the Beloved, and I come in around 17:25.

Thank you for being here with me. It means so much that you want to read this letter. As always, I'd love to hear from you! Feel free to just hit "reply" to this email. Whether you want to share a prayer request, your own favorite books from the summer or if my words brought up anything for you, I’d be so glad to know.

Grace,

Alison