Dear friend: when you need more reassurance than usual
sometimes brown isn't ugly, the gift of object permanence & an invitation for mamas of young ones
Dear friend,
February, and this first half of March have held a lot. I’m grateful for the trip over President’s day weekend to celebrate my beloved Aunt Annette’s life1 in Southern California, even as I’m still feeling what it cost me to travel cross-country with my two girls. I’m grateful for the friends and family who buoyed us through about a month2 of sickness now, even as I’m grieving the way it put us in extended survival mode. I’m grateful for my sweet son hunting for joy and showing his resilience, even as I’m grieved he missed his much-anticipated 2nd grade field trip and had to spend his birthday sick with his 4th virus in only a few weeks3.
As I’m still feeling a bit wobbly on this side of so many days without rhythm, I’m remembering the invitation that came from these days of so many needs:
I run to the bathroom to care for my own needs, but already I hear my name on my one-year-old’s lips, “Ma, ma, ma!” She’s calling for me, and her pitch quickly becomes higher and more alarmed as I’m not within arm’s reach after her call. My husband is with her, so my mind knows she isn’t in any danger, but my heart and body already feel a sense of urgency, to come close, to reassure my girl.
It’s probably less than 2 minutes before she’s in my arms again, but tears have formed and she’s in need of comfort. “I’m here, I’m here with you.” I whisper over her, as I hold her close and kiss her head. On this side of cross-country travel & disrupted routines, meeting new people & different time zones, she’s also caught a virus and is cutting a few new teeth. Only a few weeks ago, her tolerance for being separated from me was greater and she seemed to understand more about object permanence4. But as I notice how hard it is for her to be apart from me, I hear the invitation to not shame myself when I am more fragile and need more reassurance of the presence of God when I’m stressed.
This is not a failing of my baby to need me this much. It is not something she’s doing wrong to need extra care and comfort when there has been so much uncertainty and discomfort. In fact, she’s doing just what she should be doing. She’s asking for this need to be met. The ebb and flow of her ability to remember my love for her isn’t a bad thing, just an invitation to meet a very real need.
I know I’m still growing in my comfort with my own needs. As someone who tried to stay safe by having as few needs as possible, this continues to be a place for growth. And it is not just babies who need reminders of the loving presence caring for us.
“We are a forgetful people, consumed with meeting our next need, sidestepping fear, checking off a to-do list, or listening to the loudest voice in the room. We require reminders, practices, whispers to remember to return home.”
-Rev. Summer Joy Gross (The Emmanuel Promise5, 96)
Dear friend, I wonder what invitation the Lord has for you here. What invitation to practice spiritual object permanence does he have for you? Whether you light a candle or hold a clinging cross or have a special reminder of the Lord’s presence with you, I hope you are able to find a way to experience the Lord’s love for you today.
One of the ways I’m doing this is through prayerful art collage. I’ve written before about this practice that I’ve learned from Kris Camealy, and I’m grateful for the way images and words and colors can be a way to experience the Lord.
This recent piece was one that came from the prompt to just use one color. Brown is almost never my preferred color, and as I did this prompt with my children, they laughed right along with me that brown is rarely a color we’d pick and is often ugly. It felt extra precious to see the warmth and connection come from this color I wouldn’t have chosen for myself. I had to smile at how much nature and home felt represented in the brown shades. Brown wasn’t ugly here. Brown was a safe, gentle haven.
I found the phrase, “It’s important to ask” at the top of an article, and I knew those words were for me, as I prayed and looked through headlines & ads. It became the impetus for hunting for questions within articles in my stack of magazines. Which questions were for me? What did the Lord want me to create space to wonder about? What invitation was for my heart here?
Here’s what I found on my hunt:
How are you?
What color is it?6
Does that resonate with you?
Why are you crying?
Why I screamed?
Was it helpful?
Who’s taking care of it?
What could be simpler?
What can we do?
Apologize? Confess?
Can you pick me up?
These questions all felt invitations to listen to my heart, listen to what is mine to do, listen to what season I’m in and what I need. And the last question felt like a gentle invitation from the Lord, to ask to be held and remember that he is here with me, especially after so many difficult days. His arms are open to me, and his love is mine.
I keep returning to this brown piece, whether that is just in my mind or whether I’m actually pulling out my art notebook. These questions and this reminder to be held feel like just what my heart needs in this time where a little extra reassurance is welcome.
Lastly, I’m so delighted to lead a spiritual direction group for mamas of young ones soon. This season of caring for little ones needs lots of grace, and it will be a joy to spend time together once a month on Monday evenings at 7PM EST, gently going through Scripture and holding each others’ stories.
If this sounds like something you’d be interested in joining, you can sign up through my dear friend Summer’s Presence Project Patreon7, and you’ll also gain access to her twice-a-month offering, Table of the Beloved (which I have been nourished by for about five years now and highly recommend) and the beautiful monthly art examens led by Summer Gross and Kris Camealy. As we are offering so much nurturing and care to others in this season of mothering, my hope is that this will be a space to receive nurture and care from the Lord and each other. We’ll be starting soon!
Dear friend, thank you for being with me. I'd truly love to hear from you. Feel free to just hit "reply" to this email. I read and savor every email that comes my way, even if I don’t always have the space to respond (which is often these days, but I’m trying!) I’d be so glad to know how you’re experiencing the Lord’s love these days or if my words brought up anything to the surface of your heart today.
Warmly,
Alison
PS. I’m so glad to write you this letter for free. It is a joy to do so. It is such a gift for you to be here, and I don’t need more thanks than that. But if you find my words helpful and would like to support me even more, here are a few ways to do so:
Forward this letter to a friend or invite them to sign up to get their own Dear Friend letter here.
Stay tuned for another Dear Friend letter soon!
I had some doubts about sharing so publicly about my beloved Aunt Annette, but so many of you have offered the kindest words in response to that piece. This past month has been so full, and I’ve had so little margin, but your words and responses have been treasures to me that I’m looking forward to returning to when I have a little more quiet space. It means so much to glimpse the way Annette is even now, impacting others. Thank you for letting me share her beautiful legacy with you.
When I first started this letter to you, I’d written we’d been sick for about a week. It was sad to chang
It was a gift to hear from two different pediatricians that this flu season has been ROUGH and they’ve seen a lot of healthy kids who have just gotten unlucky with virus after virus. Hearing we’re not alone in this sickness season is a comfort even as it is still hard.
Object permanence is an important developmental step for babies, as they understand that objects exist even when they’re not able to be seen. Even if you didn’t know this term, I’m sure you’ve witnessed this even in something simple like a game of peek-a-boo.
This wonderful book is currently on sale from the publisher at $13.29 with free shipping, if you are interested in your own copy. I can’t recommend it enough. It is one I return to often.
I’ve often used paint chips to check in with my own heart or the hearts of those I’ve mentored in the past. I love this question for getting out of heads and thinking about what color feels true for us that day.
You’ll find the “Young Moms Spiritual Direction Group” under “Membership” as one of the options.
I really enjoyed this thoughtful piece, Alison. Thank you for sharing what has been stirring inside you.