Dear friend: when your season changes & you don't know how to find the Lord.
A look back at my early days of motherhood & a special invitation for those in the thick of it.
Dear friend,
I know not everyone dreams of being a mother, but I did. Even as a young girl, I loved pretending to care for my stuffed animals and dolls, and soon, extend that nurture to my living and breathing, three younger brothers. I’d imagined being a mother and been told I would be a good one. So it came as quite a shock when motherhood was much more challenging than I could have anticipated.
My daughter was born just before our first anniversary, and that year had held a deep, very dark depression1 for my new husband. His suicidal thoughts during my pregnancy made me afraid I would raise my girl alone. Her birth itself was a traumatic one, and it took weeks and weeks for my body to heal, let alone much longer for my heart. I was our primary breadwinner at the time, working full time at the university where we also lived, while also breastfeeding and pumping to be the primary nutrition for our girl for her first year. I felt spread so thin and like I was failing at everything, even as I was delighting in this tiny, wonderful human in front of me. My dream had come true, yet this also felt so far from what I’d imagined or hoped for.
I was also the first of my friends to have a baby. While I certainly knew people who had come before me who had their own struggles in new motherhood, I didn’t know anyone who was in the thick of it too. It felt lonely and hard to be going first when this season felt so disorienting and different from what I’d thought it would be like.
In the midst of holding so much, I couldn't help notice that I wasn't able to connect with the Lord in the ways I'd been able to in previous seasons. I would pick up my Bible and it felt like Scripture couldn't reach my heart, as though the words couldn't penetrate past the surface. I would cry in front of my closet on Sunday mornings, finally giving into the exhaustion and overwhelm I felt, as I struggled to pick out what to wear to a church service and try to muster the energy to attend. My prayers felt like sighs and groans instead of the words I'd grown accustomed to having. And the journaling I'd begun to find grounding me in the previous season felt absolutely inaccessible. My hands felt so constantly full with this girl2 in my arms that even thinking about replacing her with a pen and paper felt laughable.
When I think about myself in those weary, early days of motherhood, I’m filled with compassion for her. She was holding so many heavy things and trying so hard. One of the things I wish I could go back and tell myself is that I wasn’t doing something wrong when it felt hard to find the Lord. Jesus would meet me here. The Lord is the initiator in this relationship. I don't have to be afraid of not finding him, even when it feels hard to know how to do that when so much has changed. When my season changes, and the paths to find him suddenly feel overgrown and prickly, there will be new ways to experience him to match my season. This is not a shameful thing. I am not failing when I need something different. This is merely a symptom of a new season.
Just as I don’t fault my own children for growing and changing, I don’t believe the Lord sees our changing needs as anything wrong. I’ve had seasons of my babies falling asleep on me, being held in my arms for hours, nursing and being rocked to sleep, only for those seasons to give way to connection as we hold hands on the sidewalk, pretend to eat wooden food, and cut up grapes for tiny hands and mouths to hold. And before long, naptime snuggles, diaper changes and board books give way to races in the yard, chapter books, movie nights and conversations about how to be kind to tricky kids at school. The ways we connect and the needs of my children may change, but my love and desire to connect with them remains the same. I trust the same is all the more true with the Lord’s heart of love for me.
I may not have the time or energy for much journaling right now, but I can check in with my own heart and notice what number I am on a scale of 1-10, and offer myself compassion, like the Lord does for me. I may not have space for a long sermon or in-depth Bible study, but I can listen to my friend Summer read a few verses on her podcast, slowing down Scripture through Lectio Divina, while I'm on a walk, pushing a stroller. I may struggle to find words for prayers, but I can trust that the Lord meets me in my honest expressions of what is true today, even as simple as a posture of outstretching my arms or a hand to my heart. I may not have many quiet moments to myself, but I can ground myself in a breath prayer as I make dinner or change a diaper. I may not have the ability to attend a group or participate in a service the way I'd like to, but I can pause and ask the Lord to come into this moment with my baby and me. I can ask him to give me a picture of his love for me as I'm loving my child today.
I'm grateful to have seen my capacity ebb and flow in my motherhood. Journaling returned to me before, and I can trust it will again, or that the Lord will give me a different path to listen to my own heart and his. Some paths to the Lord have stayed throughout different seasons, and others have needed to wait until my capacity changed. But I trust the Lord’s love is always mine. He won’t leave me alone in a new season without a path to him.
Dear friend, I wonder what season you're in, and if this season feels difficult to find a path to the Lord. I find that loss and big transitions (which, even in the best of times, still involve some level of loss) often create big shifts for our mind and heart, and we need different paths or permissions than we've needed before. I know that's been true for me. It has shifted so much to be able to offer myself curiosity and compassion for what has changed, what is true today, even if it is different or much less than I’d like. The Lord wants to meet me here. I can trust that he will find me, even when so much is different.
And if you also happen to be in a season of mothering young children, I’d love to invite you to join the group that is beginning soon. I'm so delighted to get to lead a spiritual direction group for mamas of young ones. (After a few delays since the initial announcement, I am hoping to begin Monday, May 19.) This season of caring for little ones needs lots of grace, and it will be a joy to spend time together once a month on Monday evenings at 7PM EST, gently going through Scripture and holding each others’ stories. I hope we can listen to what’s true for us in this season, and meet those tender places with gentleness, as we’re all in this same boat of mothering our babies and little ones.
If this sounds like something you’d be interested in joining, you can sign up through my Patreon account3 for $104, or if you’d like to help someone else attend, you can also sponsor a young mom there too. As we are offering so much nurturing and care to others in this season of mothering, my hope is that this will be a space to receive nurture and care from the Lord and each other.
Dear friend, thank you for being with me. I'd truly love to hear from you. Feel free to just hit "reply" to this email. I read and savor every email that comes my way, even if I don’t always have the space to respond (which is often these days, but I’m trying!) I’d be so glad to know what kind of season you’re in, if it feels hard to find a path to the Lord or if my words brought up anything to the surface of your heart today.
Warmly,
Alison
PS. I’m so glad to write you this letter for free. It is a joy to do so. It is such a gift for you to be here, and I don’t need more thanks than that. But if you find my words helpful and would like to support me even more, here are a few ways to do so:
Forward this letter to a friend or invite them to sign up to get their own Dear Friend letter here.
Stay tuned for another Dear Friend letter soon!
I hope it goes without saying, but I have his full permission and blessing to share this part of our story.
Sometimes it is hard to believe that my tiny baby girl is about to turn 11 this summer. I've since gained a son who just turned 8, and was surprised in the best way by our 1 and 1/2 year old girl joining our party in October 2023.
This was previously listed under my dear friend Summer’s Presence Project Patreon, and that has shifted just to make it logistically easier. I feel so grateful that she thought of this group starting and pictured me as the leader. Her offerings would make such a wonderful compliment to this group, especially her twice-a-month offering, Table of the Beloved (which I have been nourished by for about five years now and highly recommend) and the beautiful monthly art examens led by Summer Gross and Kris Camealy on her Table of the Beloved tier for $25.
I don’t want a difficult financial season to be a reason someone didn’t join. If you need a scholarship, just ask. You can respond directly to this email.